Chili De Morte

Start with a can of commercial chili and use the cheapest one you can find.
The thicker the orange shell of sheer grease on top when you open it, the
better. The very idea that you would use real stew meat instead of cheap
ground beast that's more pink than red and then add onions, tomatoes etc.
in their fresh states is laughable. You pour in a fistful of salsa and
maybe leftover spaghetti sauce.

You squirt several packets of Taco Bell sauce into it, as a rule. You
usually crumble into it a whole package of Ritz Crackers or half a bag of
half-stale Doritos and a bit of tabasco, if you are either feeling
adventurous or are too stoned or zoned out to consider the possible
aftermath. You squirt half a can of gooey cheese surrogate over it. If you
are 5% more on the ball than usual, you also nuke some broccoli in a
valiant but vain attempt to get some tangible nutrition into the glop, but
more likely because the chili will cover the taste of vegetables, which as
we all know, are horrible. You make an exception by adding several jalapeno
peppers because you want to give it some zing.

You scarf down enough of it to serve 4 or 5 normal people and spend the next
morning with your ass under a cold tap running at full blast because you are
too stupid to remember the last time you did this same thing. Fire comes out
of it like Gamera in full flight. You go to the store later that night and
buy 5 more cans of chili. Repeat.