One time I was at uni. I was in an exam, and I needed to fart, but I held it due to the room being silent.
When the exam finished, my guts were screaming: "YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO MOUNT VESUVIOUS RIGHT?" So I left
the room after handing in the exam and looked for a place to unleash hell.

I spotted the elevator was empty. Normally? It's actually quicker to take the stairs. So I jumped in the
empty elevator praying that nobody would come in with me. The doors were closing, I heaved a sigh of relief,
but then a hand stopped the doors and in walked two reasonably attractive women.

So despite being nearly critical mass, I sucked that fart bubble right up my asshole. I mean, let's face it.
I TOTALLY had a shot with these women anyway right?

I smile politely and they move to the back of the elevator. The doors shut and thus begins my own undoing.

My brain said to me: "Man, how funny would it be if you farted, JUST as the doors shut? Everybody would know
who it was and you'd be standing in this godawful awkward silence the whole way down". I nearly giggled at
this thought but then held that in because I wanted to be cool in front of the women. I had a chance remember?
I mean what the hell is funny about an elevator? Nothing. How freaking retarded would you look if you were
standing in an elevator and just randomly giggling to yourself? How demented are you?

...But goddamn that'd be hilarious.

And thus began the giggle loop. It's one of those moments where it would be funny if you started to laugh due
to the inappropriate situation. So the harder you try to NOT laugh, the funnier it becomes, so it gets harder
and harder and harder to not laugh.

End result.

Halfway down to the ground floor, I was standing there, red-faced, letting out the odd snort, sweating and
breathing heavily. It would've been so much better for me if I just started to laugh and said something about
thinking of a funny joke I heard earlier. Lame, but the lesser of two evils.

"STOP IT" I say to myself mentally. "YOU'RE COOL REMEMBER? Just relaaaax". So I take a deep breath and relaaax.

...A little too far.

The fart exploded out of my ass. It sensed its opportunity and fuckin' took it with gusto. A torrent of fucking
air blew out of my asshole. My ass-cheeks clapped together like a chior of seals. The fart was loud, ferocious
and long. To this day, I have never farted as proudly or as effectively as I did in that elevator.

And I lost it.

I ROARED with laughter. I was leaning against the wall, holding my guts screaming with laughter. The release of
the "DONT LAUGH" was massive and the self-awareness of being some nutjob who nearly kills himself laughing over
farting in an elevator made the whole thing more hilarious.

And then the smell hit us.

Oh god. Just. What the fuck. Something had died up my asshole and shat out a corpse. You could've had the US
Government put me away for releasing mustard gas. You could almost see the fumes and it stung your eyes. It was unbelieveable.

Which of course made me laugh harder. I had tears streaming down my face while the two ladies behind me were not
looking impressed at the slightest.

About 10 seconds later the elevator reached the ground floor. The girls stomped past me in disgust, while I was
still in pain from laughing. Somebody was about to enter the elevator with some screaming lunatic, but they stopped
him and said: "NO. Dont go in there. He farted and it smells REALLY badly". After a while, I regained composure,
walked to my car and drove home.

And that ladies and gentlemen is one of the many reasons why I'm single.

-Hammer Floyd, from the Something Awful forums "Inopportune Times To Pass Gas" thread